Batman joke

Child- "why can't u see batman?"
Me- "I don't know."
Child- "cause it's a dark night!"

Wrong lyrics

One of our children is singing angels we have heard about, sweetly singing ore the plane

Breakfast Food? (Doritos)

One morning several years ago, I woke up hearing muffled talking through the baby monitor.  (Even though the kids were older, we still used them.)  Normally the kids would get up and play quitely while I struggled to get out of bed.  You see, they would wake up at the crack of dawn and I am not a morning person.  So I taught them to play quitely until I got out of bed, around 7am.  This morning however, I didn't hear playing like normal, so I decided to go check it out. 

I walked into our little girls room and didn't see them either, but did find that the closet door was closed and the light was on.  So I proceeded to open the door. 
I found both children sitting on a little play sofa eating a big bag of Doritos.  My son looks up at me and says, "Hey mom, can we have these?" 
I left the room and laughed my head off.  Midmorning my son asked if he could have a snack and I told him that he already had one at 6:30 this morning.

Is That Poison

Our little girl is 5 years old and her new obsession is asking if something is poison.  She ask it about everything.  "Are crayons poison?"  "Is my shoe poison?" "What if you put medicine on my itch and I scratch it and then scratch my mouth; is that poison?"  "Is the silver thing on the door poison?"  Then for about 2 days the obsession became about mosquitoes.  We were staying at a place that has tons of them and every time you walked outside you got bit.  One day she said, "Mom are mosquitoes poison, because I think I swallowed one?"  I assured her that she would know if she swallowed one and no they are not.
We finally told her that if she doesn't put her hands in her mouth and she only eats food/drinks, then she doesn't have to worry if it is poison or not. We told her this after she came out of the bathroom and asked if lotion was poison.  Her dad assured her it was not, only to hear her say she ate some.  You know you always here or know about the kid in kindergarten who eats glue, but you never think it could be your child one day.
Ok, so you know the joke that goes.... I one a trash can.  Well just encase you don't, let me tell it to you.  If your children hasn't heard it, you can get them on it.
Person one says - I one a trash can and tells the other person to say I two a trash can.
So here it goes the whole joke:
Person 1- I one a trash can
Person 2- I two a trash can
Person 1- I three a trash can
Person 2- I four a trash can
etc...
Person 1- I seven a trash can
Person 2 - I eight a trash can
Person 1 - ew you ate a trash can!! 
hahahaha

Well we were all in the car and our little girls says, "The baby doesn't have any mosquitoes bites and I know why."  I jokingly said, "Is it because you ate them?  hahaha  Hey, I one a mosquito."  My little girl replies, "I two a mosquito."  You know where this is going.  So, after she said I ate a mosquito, I replied, "OHHH you ate a mosquito."   Everyone starts laughing and without missing a beat our oldest son says, Hey I one lotion.......

Ax - A funny story

Our two oldest were playing one day and this was the conversation that took place.

"Get the ax and chop down the witch."
"I can't do that.  Axes are for bears and special occasions!"